I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
