He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He is an equal opportunity slut.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
