The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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