Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
