You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She bit a glass in half.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
