Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
