I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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