she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
