I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
