Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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