this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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