I'm jealous of your bromance
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
