Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
