You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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