i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
