Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i dont even know how to be here
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
