i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
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Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
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I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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