I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
is it fun? or sober?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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