where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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