May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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