Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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