So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
