He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
