i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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