giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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