He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
two words...techno handjob
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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