I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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