Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Barsexuality is the new black.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
