No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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