my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
