We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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