woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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