dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
