3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
