You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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