The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's official drugs can't kill me
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
