Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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