since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
