I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
