If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
