The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
