just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
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There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
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You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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