so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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