When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
