I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
