my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
