I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
