Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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