listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
