Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
