i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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