I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
