I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
