My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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