and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm getting married
To pizza
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
