every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
