fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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