I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
