I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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