there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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