I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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